AN international newspaper with an audience of millions has labelled Fraser Island "a certified no-go zone".
Listing deadly dangers that would have Bear Grylls trembling with fear, Britain's Telegraph has claimed the iconic island is home to "one of the worlds most dangerous beaches".
The newspapers website, one of the country's most popular with 1.7 million daily readers, fearfully features Fraser on its home page.
Headed the "travel editors choice" the page has been tweeted, "liked", and shared by hundreds globally.
Detailing six killer reasons to avoid the island, the site warns would-be travellers with this chilling yet amusing account:
"The seas surrounding Fraser Island, to the south-east of Queensland, are a certified no-go zone.
"That is unless you mind swimming with sharks, saltwater crocodiles and box jellyfish, while battling strong rip currents.
"Head inland and you're likely to bump into some of the world's deadliest spiders, as well as dingoes, which are known to occasionally attack humans."
Ever proud of our World Heritage-listed Fraser Island, The Chronicle would like to allay fears any concerned Cornwallians, terrified Tottenhamites or looting Londoners may have.
We welcome all international visitors with open arms, particularly pasty-white, long-suffering Poms.
To ensure our forbears survive their stay we offer the following timely tips:
If you leave snakes, spiders and dingoes alone, they will return the favour.
The last crocodile to be seen on Fraser Island was of the plastic, blow-up variety.
As for sharks, stingers and rips, swim in patrolled areas, under the watchful eye of a bronzed, chiselled guard and all will be fine.
Those planning a trip to England and similarly concerned about personal safety may want to consider the following travel alert:
"The land that makes up England, to the west of continental Europe, is a certified no-go zone.
"That is unless you like crowded, dirty cities, drinking warm beer, or battling rioters on the High Street.
"Head inland and you're likely to sample some of the world's most miserable food, weather that is even worse, and whinging and whining like you would not believe."
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