‘Bogan maths threatens to derail my booze-free life’: Buttle
I've been off the booze for a couple of months now, and it's all going great, but I think it was a little bit easier to have a break from the sauce over winter.
It's cold, I'm not going out, and the last thing I want, when it's 3 degrees overnight, is an icy beverage in my hands. However, now with the mercury rising so is my temptation to knock the top off a few frothy ones. Imprinted in my Queensland brain is, fun, froths, summer.
Maybe I'm just a victim of advertising, but after work as the sun goes down and I sit on my front porch and watch the good dog owners walking their poochies, I crave a drink.
To maintain my sobriety, I bought a bottle of a non-alcoholic, gin-like spirit. It was $45, plus the lime and the mixer, so it came to around $50 to not get drunk. That bogan maths does not add up. It wasn't a bad alternative to a proper drink, it had the same, and excuse my MasterChef lingo here, "mouth feel" as a real gin and tonic. It had the sizzle, just not the steak so to speak.
The benefits of being booze free are clear, I've saved money, I've lost weight and my Sunday morning shame spirals have been at an all-time low.
However, there's a nagging feeling in my gut; I mowed the lawn this week and all I wanted after was a cold beer. Is there anything better than soaking in your handiwork sipping on a cold one?
Well, sure, world peace and free money would qualify but that post-mow shower calls for a shower beer. I did not falter though, I had a soda water, boring.
However, I do miss that wave of relaxation that hits after the first drink - that's got to be one of the best feelings in the world … well apart from world peace, free money and a freshly mowed lawn.
Mel Buttle is a Brisbane comedian
Originally published as 'Bogan maths threatens to derail my booze-free life': Buttle