Call televangelist to cure ails
IF QUEENSLAND Health wants to cure its ills, contract in the world's biggest televangelist miracle worker Benny Hinn.
Based on his performance on TV4ME yesterday, broadcast across the Fraser Coast and beyond, waiting lists would be a thing of the past.
Hospitals would be emptied in the blink of an eye and he'd probably do it for a fraction of what the Federal and State Governments have budgeted. Or maybe not.
Benny was up on stage knocking people out left, right and centre. There were more people prostrate than at a Mike Tyson press conference gone wrong.
Men and women suffering from cancer, tumours, arthritis, paralysis, blindness - you name it - plodded forward to have Benny grasp them by the head and thrust them backwards whereupon they fell into a form of rapture and collapsed.
When the afflicted arose they were cured of their ailment. Miracle upon miracle was performed. It was a veritable production line of divine intervention.
At one stage, with a flamboyant gesture of his arm, Benny managed to knock out an entire segment of the auditorium audience with a thunderbolt he had gathered up from somewhere in the ether. People literally fell backwards out of their seats. Dozens of them.
His onstage helpers, looking more like President Obama's security detail, had their hands full just carrying away the smitten.
In a spooky turn, Benny started speaking in tongues as he dashed around bestowing cures. Dark imprecations aimed, no doubt, at the devils he accused Haitians of importing into the US.
His live audience of thousands was lapping it up if the thunder of its hallelujah-ing was a yardstick. Turning to Benny's website - his empire is worth an estimated $200 million - tools can be found to help others help him cast out Satan. The Weapons for Spiritual Warfare 2-Book and 1-DVD Combo is a must at $US50.
Anointing oil to relax one after the battle with the dark side "comes in a convenient, beautifully-decorated gold and blue container as a reminder of God's power in your life" at the bargain basement price of $US15.
In Australia we would call it snake oil.