Queensland’s hilarious jailhouse reviews
THEY'RE the Google reviews every hotel manager would dread: multiple one-star ratings, complaints about staff and poor-quality meals.
But these are not family-friendly hotels, they're Queensland jails, and among the amusing - and at times childish - comments, you're warned multiple times not to drop the soap.
Nathan Athleen did not reveal if he was speaking from experience, or if it was hearsay, when he commented about the rise-and-shine time at Arthur Gorrie Correctional Centre.
"Wake up call at 5 am. Breakfast was second rate. No choice of activities and the staff were very rude, ordering me around. The front desk refused to send up room service and no wine was served with dinner. I will not be recommending this hotel at all. One star," Mr Athleen wrote.
For short-term accommodation, Brisbane's CBD watchhouse comes up a treat.
"This charming bed and breakfast boasts an unparalleled security record and remains the only accommodation provider in the CBD to have never reported a break-and-enter," wrote Saveloys.
However David Johns reckons: "The food is good for the price, although the service is lousy."
With a 2.9-star rating, it's better to spend a night in Brisbane than on the Gold Coast.
The Southport police station watchhouse has an average rating of 2.4 from 29 reviews.
It's where inmates should not expect to be waited on hand and foot, says P. Rieck.
"Spent a rather unrelaxing weekend here," they posted.
"Room service was almost non existent (sic) as it took numerous times to buzz up reception to get the smallest of items like toilet paper and to clean up the blood on the floor etc."
Alexander Wunderle was content with the size of his chamber, just not the response he got for a basic request.
"The cells here aren't too bad. Got a funny look when I asked for my pie to be heated and if I could have some tomato sauce," he wrote.
On the other hand, if you're looking for spacious accommodation and relaxing long lunches at Her Majesty's pleasure, steer clear of the maximum-security Woodford Correctional Centre.
"Pretty small jailcells (sic), food was ok and lunch times need to be a bit longer, but overall it's an ok jail 2 stars," wrote Gus Granger whose comment attracted more than a dozen thumbs-ups.
For those in trouble up north, the Lotus Glen Correctional Centre, 85km southwest of Cairns, has beauty to be admired beyond the razor-wire fences.
"Fantastic accommodation (sic), amazing scenery. To be honest the only letdowns was the food, as well as the lack of freedom and activities, but otherwise I would highly recommend Lotus Glen Correctional Centre for your next stay on the tablelands," wrote Bill Cohen whose comment was "liked" 19 times.
The staff are also that welcoming at Lotus Glen inmates have had trouble accepting freedom.
"Accomodation (sic) is a bit cramped but the staff do a great job of making you think they want you to stay. Hard to leave," posted John McCarthy.
However, Ian McDougall was not as complimentary: "An absolute shambolic symbol of Queensland corrections. The wild west is how it was described by a parole officer in Brisbane."
As for Numinbah Correctional Centre in the Gold Coast hinterland - which should not be confused with Nimbin, which is further south across the border - it has at least one supporter.
"Cheap accomodation (sic), free food and service and great security. Would recommend," wrote Ze Zetimus.
And the final word comes from Sarah Nyb, who felt compelled to pen a five-star review about Townsville Correctional Centre.
"Fabulous food and accommodation! I just had to do this for a laugh."