A walk inside Parliament's gift shop
I'M NOT good at shopping, I'm too busy being a farmer, attending coal mining conferences, running the Nats and swanning around when Malcolm's overseas.
But I needed to buy Shorten something for his birthday. So I went to Parliament's souvenir shop. I didn't mean to follow those Greens. One was that Larissa. If God wanted her breastfeeding in public He wouldn't have invented bottles.
I found a plastic mug with "I'm a blocker" on it - that's Bill.
As I was about to pay for it, the nice man offered some two for one deals. "Today we have the two weddings for one deal. That lets you have a straight marriage and a gay marriage."
"Stop right there, young man." Phew, he nearly had me with that one. Embarrassing if Security looked in my shopping bag.
"All right, rather than being stuck at deputy, if you buy two citizenships for one we could get you to be leader of another country and equal with Malcolm or Bill at international events.
"We're low on some, but we have plenty for North Korea. No? Iraq? Too many boat people. And Russia is too close to Trump and that's not a good place to be, even for you."
He sneaked an envelope from under the counter. "This is the last one for New Zealand. Just sold one to that customer in the green shirt. I've met a few Kiwis. Same as us except when it comes to sporting success. Sheep, cattle, mostly white. You'd look good as Kiwi PM."
So I took it. A bargain.
"What a mug!" That's what Malcolm said when I told him about the deal. "Don't tell anyone," he added behind his hand.
Well, of course not, I know how to keep a present a secret.
Eventually I had to tell. Malcolm said "What a mug." Dunno why he's so interested in a teacup. Not like there's a storm in it.
But I have to go to the High Court, just like back in school.
The bloke from the shop was sweet about it, not that I'd say that about a man.
He said I just needed to marry someone who was 100% Aussie and that would dilute the NZ citizenship.
But the missus said she's never sharing me with another woman.
Again the man had the answer. "Remember that other offer, the one with two sets of vows? If I buy that at a staff discount, you could marry me," he said.
Tempting. Aussie Deputy PM, New Zealand PM and two lovers.
So I said I'd do it. "Whaddaya mean I can't marry you till after the plebiscite? Before that, the High Court might sack me and I'd have to fight Windsor and we used all the dirt we had on him last time."
Anyhow, Julie solved it. "Hillary had this great idea. Blame some other country, one you don't like. Remember those All Black wins? We blame the Kiwis for sneaking citizenship packs into the souvenir shop."
And sure enough, Julie criticised NZ Labour for dobbing me in. Nobody cares Labour isn't in government and couldn't have done it and Jacinda's only been in the job a few days.
We're just happy to have someone else to blame. Beats taking responsibility.
Pollie Tickled is a satirical column.